Randy is the Best Dad
But there are other good dads too.
Of all my friends’ dads, Randy is my favorite. This should come as no surprise. I’m very vocal about the admiration and respect that I hold for Randy. Frankly, it’s a shame that all the other dads cower in the shadow of Randy, because there are some really solid contenders among them. That’s why I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you about the other great dads I know, and why Randy is the best one.
Steve
I figured I should get Steve out of the way early, and I think we all know why. Between his timid demeanor and his insistence on giving you a “tour” of the canoe he built, it’s safe to say that Steve hasn’t garnered the best reputation amongst our friend group. But I’m not here to trash Steve, as we often do. He may not be winning any dad awards, but did you know that he’s an organ donor? Did you know that he can ride a unicycle? Sure, he might get a little too excited when it comes up, and yeah he probably insists on showing off his unicycle skills for slightly too long while we’re waiting to eat dinner. But I’d like to see you try and ride a unicycle. And when you fall on your face for the 47th time, think about Steve. Maybe you’ll see him in a different light.
Darren
Now we’re talking! Though he may seem cold at first, Darren is an unstoppable powerhouse of mechanical knowledge. His landmark lecture The Four Tenets of Changing a Tire has been heralded as “an Emerson-esque triumph over the perils of adulthood”. Darren is your go-to guy when the check-engine light comes on, or when you need to find a stud in the wall. If your parents invite him over for dinner, they’re guaranteed to receive one of Darren’s famous wooden bowls which he lathed and lacquered himself. The obvious stain on Darren’s record is the Thanksgiving incident, in which he was tasked to carve the turkey but threw out all the skin and trimmings in the process “because they’re bad for your heart.” Damn shame, Darren.
Laurence
Future scholars will publish peer-reviewed essays on the enigma that is Laurence Park. On one hand, he’s basic: he grills a mean steak, hosts a weekly poker night, and plays the piano pretty well for someone who began at age 52. Regular old dad stuff, right? Wrong!! Because while the Steves and Darrens of the world are spending their weekends cleaning pools and staining decks, Laurence is rippin’ into sands at the quarry outside town in his custom-built Sandrail Dune Buggy. And he smokes weed while doing it. That’s right, this motherfucker is out there getting blazed and shreddin’ gnar while we’re organizing our sock drawers or some shit. Sadly, he denies his hobby when pressed (though his son Kevin swears it’s true.) Laurence’s refusal to open up hampers his contention for the title of best dad, but he’s a sick dude nonetheless and deserves some credit.
Randy Berkley: The Dad of DAds
Randy goofing off again.